100 Things About Me

100 Things About Me


1. I fart a lot, but I’m fairly discreet.
2. My most painful moment was physically dragging my mom into the car, with my dad, and taking her to a mental hospital. I didn’t cry then, but I’ve cried a hundred times, since, about that day. (I think I was 12?)
3. I lived in seven states before I was in the fifth grade.
4. I can ride a unicycle. I can juggle three lemons, effortlessly.
5. I like my bacon very well done, almost to the point of it being burned. And while it’s cooking at home, I like to make pig noises.
6. My favorite author is Henry Miller.
7. I’m very, very patient. But I abhor meanness and stupidity. I’m shy. I laugh at life’s bumps and bruises: “Ha!” But I cry easily at any tender moment.
8. I adore, cherish, and respect my wife.
9. After many “experiments,” I’m convinced that really stinky blue cheese, melted atop barbecued steaks just before they’re served, is the only way to go.
10. I think the Beatles rule.
11. I couldn’t live without Beethoven’s music.
12. My best dish is chili-cheese doggies.
13. I bought my first motorcycle when I was 15.
14. I still ride a motorcycle. I probably almost always will.
15. Once, in Logan, Utah, I decided to see how many times in a row I could kick a hacky-sac. I stopped at a hundred-fifty something, by choice, and laughed to myself, alone.
16. I’ve been married three times.
17. I’ve committed a handful of crimes—and I suppose I continue to--but the most bothersome to me is that I committed statutory rape. She was 16. We were in Olympia, Washington. That we married, later, and that she was the mother of my only child, doesn’t take away the crime.
18. I’m from Columbia, Missouri. Evidence suggests I interrupted my father’s and mother’s college plans. (“Hi Dad. Hi, Mom! It’s me, your first born! Sorry for the timing!”)
19. I’m convinced that at least 1% of women, on this earth, are actual Angels. (Not the metaphorical kind. I’m talking REAL Angels.)
20. I love cheeses. Any kind. I love cheeses.
21. I’m the second of three generations of men who know how to type, on a keyboard, by touch.
22. I was among those who were first given the vote, in the United States, at the age of 18, in 1972. I’ve voted for one presidential candidate who went on to win the election, since then.
23. I like women who are comfortably sexual.
24. My son is among the most amazing people on this planet, in my view.
25. I like the color blue. Patti (mother of my son) has reminded me, recently, that if we had had a daughter, we were thinking of naming her “Cerulean.”
26. I like talking to really large, black women. They make me smile inside.
27. I think my son doesn’t do computer maintenance, as he should.
28. When crows light down, here, I smell weird magic.
29. Jeans! Levis!
30. For twenty-plus years, I’ve ordered the “Fried Rigoletti” at Ferraro’s in Ventura. To do anything else would be foolish.
31. I was the president of the East Ventura Jaycees in 1987.
32. I own a functioning turntable, and sometimes play vinyl records on it.
33. My second favorite author is Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading his “One Hundred Years of Solitude” was like seeing my first rainbow.
34. My wardrobe is primarily blues, greys, and white.
35. I’ve worn a beard almost nonstop for over 30 years.
36. My bow tie collection is stunning. (Tying one is just like tying your shoe.)
37. First-to-last, my son has five names.
38. I’m a Pisces.
39. I dream in full color.
40. I was a hacky sac master, but now I’m rusty.
41. President Clinton mailed me a short, but quite cordial, handwritten note.
42. I have half-a-dozen male friends who I’ve known for over 25 years, and we’re still in semi-regular contact with one another.
43. I am the founding member, and remain The Grand Poo Bah, of “The Old Man’s Climbing Club.” Given the tenets and standards of the club, that’s all I can say about that.
44. I own hundreds of rubber stamps, and use several dozen regularly.
45. I once lived in my grandmother’s greenhouse, in Echo Park.
46. My mom taught me how to drive when I was 14, so I could go to the store and get her cigarettes.
47. I’m very soft-spoken, but I can actually yell really loud.
48. I like dogs AND cats.
49. Since I was 16 or so, I’ve wanted a Bassett Hound. Someday, I’ll have a female Bassett Hound named “Daisy.”
50. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a “Manx” cat—they’re big and they’re mean and they don’t have more than a stub for a tail—named “Max.”
51. I like—know, I LOVE—giving oral sex to/with/for women.
52. I’ve edited a joke book.
53. I’ve been paid for my writing.
54. My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic, and was institutionalized many times—but she was also beautiful, talented, and a great mom.
55. My father was a mean alcoholic—but he always provided food and a roof when others would’ve cut-and-run.
56. My son is brave and handsome. He’s pretty smart, too, for a knucklehead.
57. I firmly believe that those who love me have great taste, but questionable judgement.
58. My wife has given me complete permission to have wild-animal sex with either Jamie Lee Curtis or Emmylou Harris.
59. I love cheesecake, and chili-cheese dogs.
60. I’ve read the Iliad, the Odyssey, and the first real history ever written, Thucidides’ The Pelopponesian War.
61. I’ve subscribed to Playboy for many years.
62. Roy Rogers was my favorite cowboy.
63. I’ve done business in Malaysia, sailed in the Virgin Islands, and gotten hopelessly lost in Mexico City. I’ve been to Tokyo, but I never left the airport.
64. I want a shotgun for home protection, but Pam won’t let me get one.
65. My toes curl up with pleasure when the entrails of a chicken (liver, heart, gizzard) are fried up with butter and a dusting of flower, then served.
66. A strong case can be made that “The Simpsons” is the best TV show of all time. But if you restrict this category to shows with actual actors, I have a hard time deciding between “All in the Family,” “M*A*S*H,” and “I Love Lucy.” Forced at gunpoint to make a decision, I guess I’d give my nod to the beautiful redhead.
67. My heroes have always been cowboys.
68. I’ve roasted coffee beans, professionally.
69. I’m getting noticeably crankier, and less patient, as I get older.
70. My feet and ears are getting bigger, while my dick is getting smaller, as time goes by.
71. I think the world would be a much nicer place if there were far more tramps, vamps, and scamps in our midst.
72. I once lost a statewide spelling bee by misspelling the word “chocolate.” (I left out the second “o”.)
73. I hate loud confrontations. They make me feel, actually, ill.
74. I used to torment my little brother, when he fell asleep on the floor, by tickling his ear with a straw, broken off from a broom. I did this dozens of times, and it was always hilarious—but I guess it was kind of mean, too.
75. I wore out my lower back, delivering furniture for several years as a young man. It’s not injured, per se. It’s just…worn out.
76. I won my last fist-fight inside of thirty seconds, even though I was the only combatant who required stitches.
77. I abhor, hate, and disdain clutter—even though my office is currently a travesty.
78. Cute little bunny rabbits, or kittens, or puppies, rendered in cute little statuettes, or flower pots, or picture frames—drive me absolutely insane.
79. I’ve never had sex with a prostitute. I don’t have any hard-and-fast rule on this, but I just never have. I suppose if someone sponsors such a visit, say, with the finest prostitute in Paris for my 75th birthday, well, I’d probably be happy to give it a shot. Why not?
80. I love Mexican food a helluva lot, and I love my barbecued steaks and baked potatoes a ton, and I very much appreciate fancy French sauces lovingly draped across baby asparagus, not to mention Sushi, which is always a delicious, usually stunning treat, but when it comes to cuisine, I think the Italians NAILED it.
81. I love girls and women in faded Levi’s and a simple, white cotton tee or top, best. They certainly don’t have to be pregnant, but barefoot is damn good. Sure, dressed to the nines in heels and such is also…divine! But give me a girl in jeans and a tank-top, and my toes start to curl. Put a cowboy hat on her, and I’ll explode.
82. I think our sight, among all of our senses, is the most powerful one. Images, whether viewed live or in dreams, affect us most, I think.
83. My most embarrassing moment, I think, was when I emerged from a swimming pool, at age 12 or so, with a raging erection. At least twenty people, including my older, teenage step-sisters, noticed and laughed out loud. It was horrible! Yikes!
84. I adore the moon. Our moon. I look for it always. I feel it, constantly.
85. I’m a really, really good driver. Most people think they are, but they aren’t. I am.
86. I have a tattoo of a rose on my chest.
87. Even though I’m increasingly crankier, these days at age 53, and find myself more likely to bark at people, I also cry more frequently, and it doesn’t take all that much to spur tears. Not sure why. Maybe it’s the deaths of dear friends. Maybe it has to do with the general pain that we humans endure? I dunno. I just know I do, increasingly, tear up like a little girl with a scraped knee when presented with…things.
88. I smoke pot. I didn’t start until I was 21. But since? Yeah. Ditto: Mushrooms, L.S.D., Hashish, and Cocaine--here and there. Ain’t done opium, though the prospect of smoking it in a skanky, dark room in Casablanca has a certain appeal. But I’d never do heroin, or crack, or pain pills. Being reckless is one thing, being completely stupid is another…
89. I don’t believe in GOD, but I do believe in the gods. (It’s a Roman, Greek thing.)
90. I used to be a perfectly even six-feet tall, but the ladies at Dr. Hartenstein’s office tell me that I’m now five-feet, eleven and three-quarter inches high.
91. Duane and I once made brownies that were dangerously laced with high-grade marijuana, and we served them at work on a given, early morning. What followed was simply amazing, and we’re lucky we weren’t arrested, let alone fired.
92. Thanks to Pam, I love flying kites even more than I always did. (And I’ve flown a LOT of kites.)
93. I love coffee. I love coffee. I love coffee.
94. I think men should be kinder, and more patient, with their women. That they should be more…gentle.
95. I love that the future is a mystery. I hope and trust that it’s magical.
96. I’m a lucky man. From happening upon sales while shopping for a given widget, to sliding by a road block on a given highway in the nick of time, to encountering and then hugging friends and lovers, I’ve been LUCKY.
97. I have a safe, happy, beautiful, almost-always magical home in Ojai. There are mountains, and the sea is but minutes away. Which is really good, because I could easily be living in a trailer, in some forlorn place, listening to the aluminum walls bend in the heat in, say, El Paso, Texas, or, perhaps, Needles, California.
98. Some think that Eric Clapton is god. Close, but I think Neil Young is god.
99. I’m quite sure that corn-on-the-cob, properly prepared, is the finest food on earth.
100. My wife and lover, who I adore and cherish, is Pamela. She is an actual angel. (Not the metaphorical kind. The real kind. Those. That’s what she is.) Without her, I’d be little more than a whisper in the wind.